Tom Smyth
McSWEENEY'S
THE NEW YORKER
Types of Acting Still Permitted Under SAG-AFTRA's Strike Rules
Excerpts from Ina Garten's 'Anarchist Cookbook'
We're Sorry, You Can't Join Our Street Gang Because You Don't Know Ballet
Oprah's Tell-All Interviews with Other Princesses
Excerpts from the Sex and the City Revival in Which Samantha Is Replaced with Fran Lebowitz
The Nativity Pageant Cast List That Ensures Every Child Has a Role
We Must Stop Democrats From Stealing This Election by Trying to Count Votes
Billy Joel’s “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant That Closed Due to Coronavirus”
Donald Trump Reinterprets Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides, Now”
Billy Joel Plays “Piano Man” for the First Time At the Bar He Based the Song On
Other Elton John Songs That Donald Trump Uses to Refer to World Leaders
Here at Fox News We Have No News to Report, So Enjoy These Images of Tropical Fish
Female-Only Wonder Woman Screenings Are Trying to Radicalize Our Women to Fight With Their Forearms
Without a Free Press Where Would I Get Real Housewives Episode Recaps?
Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God
I'm the Person 'Your Song' by Elton John Was Written For, And I Would Like a Real Gift Instead
How to Snag Your Favorite Celeb's Must-Have Accessories
THE ONION
(Headline Contributor)
REDUCTRESS
I'm a Method Actor and My Method is Being Rude to the Cast and Crew
(Selected Headlines)
Woman Ignores To-Do List to Cast a Hypothetical ‘Wicked’ Movie Instead
Five Gorgeous Engagement Rings That Are Almost as Expensive as One Container of Cashews
Everybody Wants the Dolly Parton Vaccine, but What About the One by the Frontman of Train?
How to Romanticize Your Amazon Purchase by Picturing Frances McDormand in ‘Nomadland’
Wow! This Hero Dog is Able to Detect Cancer Using Only an MRI Machine
Our Generation’s Fran Lebowitz? This Woman’s Coat is Too Big
This Door Frame Pull-Up Bar is Perfect for Discovering You Can’t Do a Pull-Up
Why I’m Leaving New York (There’s a Fly in My Apartment and I Can’t Catch Him)
BREAKING: My Slippery-Ass Glassware
BREAKING: Mom Wants to See Another Movie Told From Perspective of Dog
QUIZ: Is Today the Day You Just Do It and Eat All Six English Muffins?